packing boxes

is bizarrely something that i quite enjoy doing. i’m one of those crazy people that like to move house, i think its the virgo in me that finds it cathartic to clear out cupboards, label boxes and start fresh somewhere new.

we are in the process of moving house. moving from the only real home Jaden has ever known. it is a scary prospect but the new house holds so much promise and is much more suited to our lifestyle. unfortunately Jaden isn’t big on change so i am preparing myself for a few unsettled weeks but hopefully he will be ok. he’s seen the house and we’re bribing him with a ‘blue’ bedroom. yesterday i got him to help me pack the boxes with his toys to prepare him for the fact that we are on the move.

personally i’m so excited i could just jump for joy – we’ve been searching for around 6 months now for a suitable rental but i’ve been fussy and wasn’t prepared to move anywhere that wasn’t EXACTLY right. our house that we are building is still only a garage and some store rooms at the moment and looks to be that way for quite some time. i am reminded several times a day of my need to build the virtue of patience because the house (or the garage ) is perched on top of a hill visible from all over town so depending on my schedule i can see it 4 or 5 times a day. so 4 or 5 times a day i have to remind myself to find the patience and acceptance that our house will be built when the time is right. sigh. virgos are not known for their patience.

in the meantime we get to move into a beautiful new home with stunning views over the lowveld and i get to clear out my drawers and cupboards and start all over again. bliss. (well, for any self respecting virgo it is…)

trials and tribulations

parenting is the hardest and most precious thing in the world seems like a bit of a silly thing to say because anyone who hasn’t been there can’t possibly understand and anyone who is there already doesn’t need to hear it.

jaden and i have just returned from a week long trip to my folks in durban. as always he was unmanageable and grumpy. in fact he was worse than i have ever seen him in our time together. he was cheeky in ways that made me cry, he was spitting venom and nastiness in my direction at every opportunity that he got. he was aggressive and he was unable to follow even the simplest of instructions.

my mother of course told me that he was misbehaving because of the way i parent him. thanks mom, stick the knife in why don’t you. the days were horrific. awful and trying. the first night he slept in ‘his’ room and woke up more times than i can count in the middle of the night. the second night i put him in my bed and my little angel returned.

the nights were so special and so precious that i cried myself to sleep wondering what could be going on in his little head that daylight created this horrible little boy who hurt me so much physcially and emotionally during the day and held me close and whispered how much he loves me each night.

on tuesday mom went to work and it was just the two of us for the morning before heading to the airport and my little angel emerged once more. he was able to shop for hours with me without a tantrum, lovingly stroking my face and telling me how much he loved me. friends and family would not believe him to be the same child who threw his chair at woolies because he got a milkshake instead of milo.

my theory is that he senses the animosity between my mom and i and he plays it up and also that he was threatened by my brothers baby. mom usually gives him her full and undivided attention but not on this trip as would be expected.

i wish there was a way we could visit them without staying with them, it would make things so so much easier. this year we have decide to forego christmas in durban and will be celebrating with friends in Nelspruit instead. we are then heading down to an apartment in umdloti for 10 days which will mean that we have our own space and they can visit us there.

i hope its better because my dear little boy can’t possibly have another trip like this one.

today he is happy, relaxed and toddled off to school with a huge smile on his face – perhaps in his childishness he is able to act out how i am feeling inside?

again i am reminded of how blessed i am to have this little boy in my life and how he enables me to see the world through different eyes.

a list

• the paed said that the pen.is is fine *whew* continue as we’ve been doing and no cir.cumsision is necesary
• i’m happy (who would’ve thought it possible)
• jaden is happy
• like really happy – like i get bear hugs when i get home
• i gave a 2 hour ‘bikram inspired’ class at the gym on wednesday and it was gooooooood
• i somehow in my enthusiasm damaged my elbow
• this week has been brilliant
• we are moving! not into our house which is still just a garage and some store rooms but into a nicer bigger place than we are in now with real lowveld views of the mountains – roll on october
• jaden starts school every day next term before he goes to uplands in January
• have i mentioned how awesome my boy is?

raising boys with pen.ises

its not for sissies.

i’m in a bit of a pen.is crisis at the moment. i’m not too sure how to deal with it and somehow avoid years and years of costly therapy, as it is we’ve probably added a new wing to my therapists house and I really don’t want Jaden to contribute much more to her coffers!

a few weeks ago we went to a beautiful picnic spot near hazyview that is shaded by enormous old trees at the edge of a burbling brook. it was a hot day. very hot. there were 5 families and 6 little boys. not a little girl in sight. most of the kids were under 3 and one was 6.

so we get the boys kit off to let them play in the river and a good time is had by all. towards the end of the day the kids are getting ratty and jaden is playing with Heath’s toy and Heath tries to snatch it back and Heath’s aunt steps in and tells him that Jaden had it first – perfectly normal scene for a bunch of toddlers.

Heath is furious. Looks at Jaden and snarls – you’ve got a small willy. i kid you not. Heath is 3 in November. where do they get this stuff from?? heaths mom is horrified - obviously. Heaths aunt tells him thats not nice and play resumes. on THURSDAY last week a whole 5 days after the incident jaden wants to know why his willy is small.

Oi, i tell him that it is just perfect. he asks again and i repeat that it is perfect as many times as he asks i tell him its perfect.

what more can i say.  i always thought that having a boy would be easier to protect and save from the vagaries of the media and trying to achieve the ideals that women and girls are faced with. boy was i wrong.

and then, when i thought i’d sidestepped the pen.is issue i notice that his fore.skin is starting to grow closed at the bottom. eeuw. we’re off to the doc this week to see if he needs to be circum.cised.

just what a little boy who thinks its too small needs – to lose some of it…

that bus driver’s crazy

so a few weeks ago we headed off to the botanic gardens to watch the Parlotones. i’m a huge fan and have actually seen them 3 times already but i love our botanic gardens and i love sundays with my family and i love the parlotones so we decided to see them again.

it was jaden’s first ever rock concert (10 points for coolest mom ever) and he had a ball. my boy loves music and he loves to dance so combine that with no shirt, sticky hot air, sugar rush and tons of other little people and predictably it was the equivalent of me any night in a dingy club in london in my early twenties…

one thing about having kids is that they learn to talk and with that comes the realisation of how difficult it is must be for people who are deaf and mute, language is the thing that brings us together and tears us apart. your accent will within seconds create an impression of who you are and where you’re from, particularly after living in the UK for so long I am keenly aware accents…

but back to the gardens. it was a balmy spring day and the parking lot was shut off and we had to park miles from the entrance. the organisers had arranged for putco buses to ferry the masses between where we’d parked and the concert. it was jaden’s very first bus trip. can you actually believe it!  he’s been on a steam train and a gautrain but never yet a bus.

this kid was beside himself. there was of course a long queue and we waited about 10 minutes for the bus to arrive. when it finally arrived and the doors opened jaden revealed a talent he has thus far managed to keep well hidden – it would appear that he is about to give husain bolt a run for his money… he ran boldly through the crowd amassed at the and onto the bus. by the time i’d begged and pleaded and panicked enough for people to allow me to jump the line and grab my son he was safely ensconced on the single seat at the very front of the bus.

and so began the commentary. firstly of each and every person boarding the bus. mommy, why’s that lady wearing a hat. mommy, whys that man so slow. mommy, whys this seat broken and so on and so on. i was patting myself on the back for surviving that onslaught relatively unscathed when the engine started. eish. shrieks of delight from my boy. mommy, whys that steering wheel so big, whos driving this bus. whats his name and so on and so on.

as we entered the gardens the bus had to navigate a somewhat windy path to the concert area and i’ll admit it was a bit hairy. the driver kind of thought that we were at kyalami and needed to save face in front of his mates. i was alarmed but i think i hid it well.

jaden of course being 3 sits up on my lap cranes his head over to the where the driver is and at just about the right moment shrieks in delight – mommy this bus driver’s crazy.

shamed. and so we have a hard solid fact - 3 year olds cannot be relied to be tactful.

in love and light
Nisey

you happy?

jaden’s favourite thing to ask me after a reprimand is ‘you happy mom?’

i always assure him that i am happy. he usually replies with ‘but i not happy?’

to which i reply – well my boy happiness is a choice, i’ve chosen to be happy and you can do the same

we do this several times a week, sometimes, on a trying day several times a day!

i have learnt through trial and error that my parents can’t make me happy. heine can’t make me happy. jaden can’t make me happy and my friends can’t make me happy. the only person capable of making me happy is me. it has taken 20 years to reach this realisation but it is a most awesome feeling. if someone driving behind me shows me the finger i can choose to get angry or i can choose to be happy and smile and wave at him.

it sounds simple because it is. sometimes of course (about once a month to be precise) i can’t choose happiness. i try. boy oh boy do i try so i simply own the angry me. because as i tell jaden its ok to be angry but its not ok to share it. if i’m angry i can go to my room and read a book, i can’t shout at him or upset him and he owes me the same courtesy. this is one he struggles with somewhat because this kid has a lot of angry in him but he’s getting there and together we’re learning so much from each other.

his current happy place is using mom as a climbing frame, if i’m at my desk he’s got legs and arms around my shoulders and over my head and wrapped around my neck – it is also my current happy place. nothing feels as right as my little boy with his bony arms and legs laughing as he does his monkey act on me while i try and type. there was a time when i thought i would never know that joy.

it is truly amazing to think that the universe saw fit to give me this little creature who would guide me and hold my hand on our path of healing together.

in love and light
nisey

new beginnings

oh september, where oh where have you been all year. to say that this has been a trying year would be an understatement of monumental proportions. there were times this year when i didn’t really think i’d make it to the end yet here i am in september, the month of my birth feeling like i’ve just summited everest.

on the 1st of september our adoption was finalised. we still do not have the precious piece of paper but we are in the slowveld and things do take some time in these parts.

there has been, as i was hoping, a shift in jaden and somehow his outbursts now seem more conducive to a 3 year old than a child with severe problems. he is manageable when we’re out and about and he adorable when no one is looking. he has become exceptionally loving over the past few months and can’t tell me enough how much he loves me. its pretty cheesy but my ring tone is a recording of jaden saying – i love you mom.

my dear mother disappointed me as expected on the date of our adoption. no flowers as predicted but also no phone call until after 7pm when she declared that it was in fact an anticlimax and had been so easy **sigh**

i of course did not think it was an anticlimax, i thought it was the best day of my life and I felt that the 2 years that we waited for the adoption had not in fact been easy. i felt that they had been the hardest 2 years of my life and i was glad that they were behind me.

i cried. a lot. i went to bed and cried some more. i woke up on the 2nd of september safe in the knowledge that no one could ever take my boy away from me and had an epiphany. my mother can never be the mother i want her to be. note my use of the word ‘want’. i have placed upon her my own expectations and she can’t live up to them because she is who she is. breathe.

i feel so liberated

i feel free

it feels good. i’ve also spent this year working through my own issues from my childhood. i’ve realised what a massive impact its had on my life that  from the age of 4 until 13 i was systematically sexually molested by someone close to me. its something thats always been a part of me but i took an ostrich approach to it and just filed it away in a little box believing that it played no part in my life.

oh how wrong i was. i have spent this year convincing myself that at around jaden’s age i was of course not responsible for what happened. in a strange and unbelievable way i have held myself responsible for what happened to me and therefore i have been too ashamed to speak about it. it has led to eating disorders (which still haunt me) and my most current acquisition – 20kg of ugly to hide behind.

through the use of kinesiology and hypnotherapy and the best therapist known to mankind i am finally in a space of acceptance and ready to move forward. interestingly it was my mom’s non-reaction to our adoption that led me to the realisation that i am in charge of how i feel. it seems like such a cliche but it is amazing how easy it is to forget and to let other people rule ourlives. for me it was my abuser who held me in his vice grip all these years. for 20 years after the abuse ended i have lived in his shadow and he has held the strings – decisions i’ve made and opportunities passed by without realising that it doesn’t have to be that way.

so here i stand 34 and 1 week old and finally in control of my own destiny. i feel strong and alive. i wake up every morning with a renewed sense of vigour and vitality.

and so we get to my 34th birthday. a girl should count her blessings in friends. real friends. not facebook friends. i’m talking about the 6 girls who organised a surprise birthday party for me. i’m talking about my amazing husband (my real best friend) who went along with the plan and got me to the restaurant completely oblivious and i’m talking about my 3 year old friend who reminded me what birthdays are really about.

i get teary just thinking about how blessed and special i felt on the 14th of September 2011.

it has been an amazing year so far with so so many lessons and life is starting to feel real again or possibly even for the first time, suddenly cliches make me tearful and the little quotes on the back of sugar wrappings are meaningful.

i never knew that it was possible to feel this way and i am grateful that i am finally in my own space and surrounded by so many blessings.

having a bit of a moan

now don’t take this the wrong way. i am in no way taking away from the joy and happiness that my brother and his wife are going through and neither would i want it to be any other way… however…

i’m throwing a little pity party for myself and i’ve invited only me which basically means that these thoughts are growing and growing so i thought i’d present them to the ether and be done with them once and for all!

a birth is amazing and i prepared myself in advance for the dull ache i’d feel that it isn’t me in the hospital holding a bright and shiny newborn baby. i was truly excited and still am at the prospect of being an aunty and i’m so so happy that i finally get to indulge my hello kitty fetish on little Sylva.

mom and dad were obviously at the hospital for the birth and have visited non-stop sending me pics and she is the cutest chubbiest little thing you could ever see. i phone my sister in law regularly and bbm her asking for more pics because i genuinely am so happy.

then today mom says – oh you won’t believe that i forgot to buy SIL flowers. i can’t believe i was so silly hahaha. i felt so bad that i rushed off and bought some to take to her immediately.

**insert little green monster here**

me: ummm i’m still waiting for my flowers mom. when my baby came home i didn’t get any flowers, from anyone.
mom: didn’t i send you flowers
me: nope
mom: hahaha

so then i really went to town on the pity party, i didn’t get a babyshower, i didn’t get a big announcement. members of my family that went to SILs babyshower still haven’t MET my son – 2 years down the line.

i know this is no ones fault but i do kind of feel sorry for myself **sigh**

i would have loved the babyshower and the attention and the fuss that comes with bringing a life into this world and while my circumstances were different and J was a toddler already surely we both deserved the fuss – maybe just a little?

anyway, its out there now, i’m a whiny brat!

onto other news – our adoption is signed off  TOMORROW! Wow, 2 very very long years finally draw to a close… wonder if we’ll get flowers

the universe is amazing

thanks so much to everyone who commented on my last post – I made up my mind that I need to talk to her and honestly say what i thought. I got a call during gym so returned it on my way home and the universe in its miraculous way gave me the entry point.

apparently the rumour mill has been in full swing and although they got all the facts wrong they got the gist of what is going on. friend asked if she should halt communications with new interest and I told her ABSOLUTELY.

I told her that she has emotionally left her marriage and wont make an effort to repair it so long as she maintains contact however ‘innocent’ it may seem to her. she replied with – you don’t have to f*** to f*** around and admitted that the none-relationship was indeed damaging her own marriage. she is going to speak to her DH tonight because as is always the case he is completely unaware of the impending end of his marriage.

I told her that she owes her husband, her kids and herself the courtesy of trying to make it work. I suggested therapy and some effort in getting things back on track. I hope she heard me. I hope she heard herself…

thanks once again – i really, really needed to get it off my chest and into some order in my head!

an uncomfortable position

a friend has decided to leave her husband. he’s a good guy, a great guy in fact. he provides EXCEPTIONALLY well for his family – they are very very well off and she doesn’t work.

he’s not the centre of attention at a party but he’s a good laugh. he is an AMAZING father and their 2 kids absolutely ADORE him. she has met someone else. someone younger – like mid 20′s younger. he’s exciting and gorgeous he’s the centre of attention wherever he goes.

she hasn’t told her husband yet and she’s confiding in me about it all. i’ve given her my opinion of what she’s doing but i haven’t said what i’m really thinking which is how can you destroy your life and your kids for a roll in the hay? go to therapy work things out and try and make your marriage work.

they haven’t made any attempt to repair the marriage because quite frankly DH doesn’t know there’s a problem. i hate being in the middle of this and i wish i didn’t know. i wish that i was as dumbfounded and surprised as DH is going to be when he finds out.

what would you do in this situation? would you sit her down and read her the riot act? would you leave her to make such a huge mistake?

i think the reason i’m not saying anything is because the damage has been done already – i can see that she’s already mentally out of the marriage and I don’t know that anything i say will change that.